Gwen's First Day of Summer Break

Day one of Gwen's summer break the weather was pretty good. She slept in most of the morning. Thank goodness, momma was tired. But by the time we got up the sun was shinning and was already pretty warm. And Gwen being how she is, decided to get in the pool. So she puts on her little bathing suit and go swimming and spent most of the afternoon in the pool. Just a good ole Gwennie time.
Gwen is the type of gal that can sun bathe all day and even burn. I swear, this child will get bright red without all the pain and peeling crap her momma gets and then a few days left she has the beginning of the most perfect tan you'll ever see. I don't get it. So now, after her afternoon in the pool, she's got the starts of a good tan. I'm so jealous.
So Gwen's first day of summer was spent working on her perfect tan. But of course we're looking forward to a great summer vacation.

Momma to a Kindergarten Grad

Thrusday was Gwen's last day of school and her kindergarten 'graduation'. It was the best feeling to see my baby girl up there with all the friends she made during the year, singing the songs they had practiced so hard on. Then her running up to my mom and me after it was done. I can't believe how fast this school year went. I remember dropping her off on her first day and she didn't even turn around to tell me good-bye and now she's moving on to the first grade.
People are so right when they say kids grow up so fast. I still remember her rolling over for the first time or cutting her first tooth like it was yesterday and now the school years are starting to go by. I'm just so proud of my baby girl.

Preparing For Baby

It doesn't seem that far away now that he'll actually be here. Now that Miss Gwen is two days away from summer vacation, I know time will go by so fast. We're starting to get his things put together and in place. He has tons of clothes. I've quickly learned that shopping for a baby boy is super fun. And thanks to baby daddy, he has most of the bigger things he'll need taken care of and all of his bedding with extra matching blankets and sheets and quite a few diapers to get us started. I guess with time counting down baby daddy is realizing how real it is now. Not that he didn't before, it just seemed like our issues clouded it. All seems well now and he's taking care of more things for Presley like a daddy should. All he needs now is a crib and the rest is just random everyday things a baby needs. Gwen is getting more and more excited about his arrival. She askes like every other day when I'm going to go get him out. I'm so excited that in 3 more months he'll be here.

Our Summer Plans

I decided that I'm taking my week vacation from this place as soon as I can. That's anytime after July 17th and I'm wasting no time at all and taking it the week of the 20th. That way I can take little Miss Gwen on a road trip before I get even bigger or the baby comes. Sort of like her last 'Whoo Hoo' before she has to start sharing mommy's attention.
Usually everyone is on different schedules so there's never a good time for everyone to go on a family trip together like we did back when times seemed simpler. But now my dad has long since retired, mom my is taking her vacation the same week as me and my little brother had to be bribed with at least one night of dinner at Hooters. So far everything seems to be planned out.
I've decided on a trip to Saint Louis. I'm taking advantage of my employee discount at other Best Westerns and want to stay a few nights. I'm going to take her to the zoo of course and a couple of places I went to on a 5th grade trip to St. Louis. One place is Grant's Farm. I remember going there but I can't recall any details of that place. I know there's animals and she'll love that. The other place is The Magic House Children's Museum. Again it was a long time ago but I do remember that place being pretty cool. We haven't been anywhere fun (my dad's bowling trips don't count) in a long time and she's super excited about going.
Next summer I'll probably take her and Presley to the Indianapolis Zoo and Children's Museum. I figure I'll start him out on a small car trip and work our way up. (His dad lives 12 hours from here and on the off chance he may want to see him, I want to know how he'd take a trip) One summer I want to take them to Memphis. Hit the zoo up of course. Gwen's an animal person and let's face it, zoo are cool. I think so at least. Then you know I'm so going to tour the Graceland Mansion. I freakin' love Elvis and thanks to Disney's Lilo & Stitch, Gwen has turned into a little Elvis fan herself. And since I got the idea for Presley's name from The King himself, it would be a great place for him to see.
That's my long term plan for a family vacation. Not too big but still something fun to do. One day I know I'll be the mother of a teenage girl who very well may think it's 'uncool' to go on family trips with her mom. But I'm enjoying that fact that she's a momma's girl who gets as excited about these things as I do.
That reminds me, if anyone reads this I have some Six Flags St. Louis tickets I got from work. I guess you could call it a 'perk' of a job that emotionally drains me. They're 'kid's price for everyone' tickets. I guess the kid's price it $29.99. I wouldn't know but being pregnant I don't think a theme park would be much fun for me this year. If anyone's going that way this year, let me know. I have like 10 of them.
I'm so looking forward to a fun summer this year and topping it all off with my new baby boy.

Being A Single Working Mom

I know one of the best things I can do for my growing family is being able to work and support them on my own but why does it have to be so depressing at times? Or maybe it's just this job and how it seems to have completely drained me emotionally.
I work the front desk at the (crappy) Best Western. Which is pretty much all I've done since I was 18 years old at another hotel but with the hours they have me working, I seem to have little to no time with Gwen. Not being able to spend time with her everyday kills me inside.
On Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays I work 3PM to 11PM. Which Mondays and Tuesdays I get her up for school and ship her off for the day and pick her up afterschool and I only get to see her on the 15 minute drive down here to work. And by the time I get home, she's sleeping of course. On Sundays, it's even worse. I get off work at 7AM, go home, sleep a few hours and get up to come back to work at 3PM. So I only get to see her while I'm getting ready to come back to work. When I get home Sunday nights, I just lay in bed beside her, watching her and talk to her sleeping body. Hoping that maybe she'll wake up for 10 minutes or at least long enough to tell me she loves me.
I don't know how her day was. What she did, if she got her bath and brushed her teeth and I don't get to tuck her in. I have no clue if she's picked out a certain outfit she wants to wear to school. Little things like that, I miss out on working these hours. My days off with her are great of course. I try to spend as much time with her doing all the "Gwennie" things that make her happy. But there never seems to be enough time to do the things we want to plus get the things done that need to be done.
When I work my 11PM to 7AM shifts on Fridays and Saturdays, I'm not there at night when she gets scared or has a bad dream or if she just wakes up wanting her mommy. Then after I get off work at 7AM, it either goes one of two ways. The first way is I sleep most of the day and wake up feeling guilty because I could have gotten up sooner and spend some extra time with her or the second way, I do get up earlier to be with her and I end up going back to work with very little sleep and have a hard time staying awake. When I come home and find pictures she's drawn of me walking away from her and she's sitting there crying by herself, breaks me heart to no end.
Now I'm worried as hell that if I stay on this same schedule after Presley is born, he'll grow up thinking his Grandma is his mom because she'll be the one there when he needs someone the most. While I sit here at a job that to me, isn't worth missing out on my kids lives. It's not like it's a great job but I need it.
I come to work and I'm hateful and bitter because I'm here when my kid needs and wants me. To make matters worse, since I've been here I've missed every single holiday with Gwen. Thanksgiving I did get off because the other night audit lady wanted to trade so she could be able to cook for her family or else I would have been working. But Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and Easter were all cut short because I managed to get screwed at every holiday. And with Mother's Day this weekend, I'll only get to see her while I'm getting ready to come back to work. The first Mother's Day I won't be able to spend with her in 6 years.
I know most people don't like their jobs and I'm probably just being a cry-baby, emotional pregnant lady but this place is the only thing that brings me down. I know I have to work to support my kids but at what price am I doing if for.

My Son

I feel so much different now that I know I'm carrying a little boy. Up until April 22nd he was just 'the baby'. Now I can say words like son, boy, him and he. I'll be talking to someone about him and I'll say my son and I just stop and have one of those 'wow' moments. My son, wow!
As you know Gwen wanted a girl more than anything and I wanted a girl for her. I would have been just as happy with another daughter and I am with a son but after I found out I was having a boy, I realized how much I wanted a boy. Now I have a perfect set and little girl and a boy. Gwen has came around a lot quicker than I would have thought she would. Things are looking good in this area.
I'm in the process of making room for him. I'm down-sizing everything in my room and getting rid of a lot of stuff I don't even use anymore. I'm slowly getting there but it seems like my two days off a week go by so fast and working second and third shifts leave less time on those days. I'm positive that there with be plenty of room for him when he finally gets here.
I'm really getting into buying blue. For 6 years its been pink and princesses, dresses and ruffles. Now I get to branch out to a whole new section of the stores. Trucks and trains, bugs and frogs, all the boys things Gwen, of course wants nothing to do with. She did go through a Spiderman phase but that was short lived. Everyone with little boys keeps telling me boys are so much fun and I sure am super excited to have him here and find out. I have no doubt that he's going to be a blast.
I'm 98% positive on his name now. I had two picked out that I was going back and forth between. One was Peyton Riley and the other was Presley Garon. After much thought and saying and writing them out hundreds of times, I've decided that Presley Garon sounds perfect for my little boy. Presley was my favorite of the two first names I picked out and after the 50th time I would be asked if I was a Colts fan or a Manning fan for picking Peyton, I decided against Peyton. But I still think it's cute. I'm completely happy with his name. Presley Garon Fields. (I was always sure he'd have my last name) My son Presley.
I love the feeling I have inside knowing I'm going to be a mommy again. I say I'd be nothing if I didn't have Gwen. Which is so true. When I was in a really bad spot in my life a few years back, her love for me kept me going and I pulled myself out. To me, that little girl saved my life. Being a mom is the most important thing in life to me. I couldn't see life without Gwen and now I can't see life without her and this baby. Nothing in this world makes me happier. I would rather stay home with Gwen over going out all the time or sitting around being a cry-baby becasue there's not a man in my life. (the donor don't count) Men come and go but my kids will always be there. I love them more than anything. I'm sure you all feel the same way about your kids too.
Well, I needed to get out some of the wonderful emotions that are going on in me lately. Whew, what a mouth full. But you know me, I love to talk.

The Donor

I can't understand how a man can father something so wonderful then just go on about his life like it's not even happening. Sure we've had our issues that I needed to step away from the situation to clear my head and deal with it on my own terms. Not just by listening to someone every other day telling me to get over it. I had to deal with it in my own way and I did that. He on the other hand seems to have taken that time period to just ignore the fact that there's a baby involved. When we talked he would often say, 'the baby has nothing to do with it.' Maybe I'm crazy but shouldn't that baby have everything to do with it? After what he did to me, the baby is the only reason he still exists to me. I try to be civil and he still would rather play some 'cyber stud'. Which is lame in itself. I think he just acts like he care to impress all his internet buddies and I look like the bad one. He's the one who lied and cheated but he is the baby's dad and that is why I'm at least trying to have a civil friendship. Because to ME the baby has everything to do with the decisions I make. On the other hand, he would rather just pretend to be someone he's not to impress a bunch of random internet people he barely knows.
Whatever, I'm super excited about having a son and he's not going to change that by being an ass. He's not going to use my son's life to make himself seem like father of the year and tell people he wishes he could do more. Right now a packet of salt would being doing more. He's no super dad. IF he was, he'd try harder to be involved instead of worrying about his next internet fling.
This is just me getting things off my chest. I'll write another one just about the baby. I don't want his crap messing with all the wonderful things I have to say about my son and all the emotions going on with me.