What I'm Grateful For

I think about things like this all the time. The things in my life that I'm so grateful to have. The first and always number one thing I'm grateful for is my childern. No one else comes before them. Not a man or an animal, nothing. Gwendolyn has saved my life so many times and she doesn't even know it. When I was at the lowest point in my life and all seemed hopeless for me, I honestly say if it wasn't for that little girl ( 3 years old at the time) I would have gave up. I was in a really bad, abusive relationship. After I nearly died due to his abusive ways, fear kept me there. I know it sounds stupid and I always said if a man ever put his hands on me that way, I'd be gone. But it was so different when I was in that situation. But all I could think of when everything was going down, was never seeing my baby girl again. After that, I made my way out, got sober and even though it took me a while to get back on my feet after losing nearly everything I had. I barely had my sanity but I made it out with my life and my child. I'm grateful for that.
Then there's my baby boy Presley. I was content with one child before I got pregnant. But after I found out I was indeed pregnant, it turned out he was everything I hadn't realized I wanted. Being a mother means the whole world to me, so I loved the fact that I now had a chance to be a mommy again and Gwen would have the baby sibling she always wanted. When I went into labor 5 weeks early, I never felt that kind of fear before. I didn't know what was happening or why this was happening, if he was okay or if I did anything wrong. All I did know for sure was that if it came down to it, I would have risked myself to give him life. Thankfully, my labor was normal other than it being 5 weeks early and that he was a big boy for being so early. He was healthy as can be and I'm so grateful for that.
I'm grateful for my friends and family. My family was there helping me get through some of the roughest times in my life. They were there when I needed something, even something as petty as shampoo or as big as my car payment. There was many nights after I hit rock bottom and though I was climbing out and I'd slide right back down, I would get so drunk, I wouldn't even know where I was. But my mom always cleaned up whatever mess I made and put me to bed. Even when I felt worthless and thought I had nowhere to go, my friends and family was there pulling me out. I'm also grateful for my new family down here in Louisiana. Moving away from home for the first time in 24 years was hard but they all made me feel so welcome and offered their help whenever I need it.
Last but not least, I'm grateful for Darryell. He gave me my beautiful son and became a father-figure to Gwen. We went through a lot in our first few months but he never gave up on me. I was the coldest bitch to him at times and he just kept coming. Trying to prove once again how much he loves me. He's always there when I need him. He puts me and the kids first over anything. He includes us in every decision he makes and never leaves us out of anything. He's giving me the chance to be just a full time mommy for a while since I missed a lot with Gwen and wants me to be there for the kids when I want to be. I'm getting the chance to further my education like I've always wanted. He's the man who proved to me that not all men are the same. And I'm so very grateful to have him in my life.

Letter to Grandma

Since we've been here, Gwen has been having so much fun with her new friends and in school. And it seems like I'm always so busy with everytime, that by the time I get around to calling them, it's too late there. Gwen hasn't seemed to miss anyone back home since she's been here. I know she's a kid and was too busy taking it all in to even have time to miss anyone. But yesterday after school, I had her sit down and write letters to her Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Bubby. Being as how it was after school, she had no homework and was just ready to go outside and play with her friends, she rushed through it and didn't take the time I put down all the things she wanted to tell him. But I figured they would think it was great to get anything from Gwen. Then if it's just a few random lines with a huge drawing of her smiling.
But later that night after supper, she was in her room playing the computer, I go in there to tell her it's bath time and she was sitting there crying. When I asked what was wrong, she finally broke down and said she missed her Grandma. So, I call my mom so Gwen could talk to her. I know she misses our family back home but she's starting to make a life for herself here in friends, a new school and more family members. As long as she understands that her family back in Indiana will always be there for her, she'll be fine. And hopefully that means less tears for my baby girl. I'm just glad she finally said how she was feeling, instead of holding it all in.

Monday Night Wrestling

Anyone who knows me, knows that wrestling is so totally not my thing but Darryell likes to watch it with his buddies on Mondays. I figure he watches every horror movie I put in the DVD player, so I can give a little and watch some wrestling with him. I mean heck, it I didn't like it, I could come home. I honestly haven't watched wrestling since I was a dumb teenager and think it's the most redneck thing ever besides NASCAR. Even though I had no clue how any of these guys were or what the heck was going on but I did enjoy hanging out with the kids, Darryell and his buddies Glenn, Floyd and Dale. Going something with the group and not being unsociable and staying home doing nothing alone.
I missed hanging out with Darryell and Glenn together. When them two get together and start talking about funny crap that happened at work or start bashing on people, it's the funniest shit. It's always funny to get them going about the dumb ass Clean Harbor guys I knew.
I may not become a big fan of wrestling but to spend extra time together as a family, I'll try anything once. I'm willing to try out things Darryell enjoys doing. After all, it's not all about me anymore. Relationships are give and take. And I'm willing to give as much as he his.

Meeting the Neighbors

I've pretty much met any of the neighbors that Darryell cares to introduce me to. Gwen has met and became friends with the kids in the neighborhood and enjoys playing with them after school. I still feel odd when Gwen goes off and plays in the neighborhood without me. The parents tell me over and over that the kids are safe when they're out playing and everyone keeps and eye on them. But I still feel weird when I'm not watching her. I feel like I should be paying whoever's mom's house they are playing at for 'baby-sitting' her. But they don't see it that way. I'll get used to it sooner or later. I need to get used to the fact that my little girl is spreading her wings and becoming more independant from me.
The people I have met have all been great about helping me feel welcome in the neighborhood. They're all so willing to help you out, even if you don't ask for it. I've got countless school uniform tops for Gwen and someone is always bring some type of southern food that I have to try out. I've been to a BBQ and a swim party with the parents of Gwen's friends. My first LSU football party, where they made some more southern food for me to try. (I need to get used to all the spicy foods) I was invited to Mae's son's birthday party at the bowling alley. Which Gwen was totally down for. I've gotten to hang out with Glenn. Who I met when he was in Terre Haute for work when Darryell was. He's really made me feel welcome here and treats me like his little sister. And his son is a big help when it comes to Gwen getting on and off the bus.
So as well as Gwen, I'm making friends too. Which is good, so I'll have someone other than Presley to talk to while Gwen's at school and Darryell's at work. And other than Darryell's family, I'll have then to invite to our wedding now. If we get married in town here. I'm still leaning towards Vegas though. I got a tip on great place to book from my friend Penny. But with me making friends, I may wanna do it here. Anyway, it's been good here and I'm starting to find my place with everyone here and they give Darryell good reviews about me.

What I Promise You

What I Promise You
My feelings for you grow
More and more everyday
Letting all my fears fade away
Devotion and loyalty
Is what I promise you

I'm ready to see this through
Til the end of your time
I'll always be there
And prove myself true
Is what I promise you

You'll never have to doubt me
Or wonder where I've gone
No sometimer in me
Loyal, faithful and ture
Is what I promise you

Now and forever
Dedicated to standing by you
Loyal, faithful and true
No matter what I gotta do
Is what I promise you

My Worst Fear

I know a lot of mothers would agree but one of my worst fears is my kids getting lost somewhere and not knowing where to look or just disappearing. Well, yesterday I had one of those heart dropped to my feet moments. You know that yesterday was Gwen's first day of school. We took her in the morning and she was riding the bus home. I went down to the neighbor's house at 3:00 and sat there waiting for the bus that comes between 3:45 and 4:00. When the bus pulled up, I jumped up, went outside and had her bottle of Kool-Aid ready for her. I watch the bus doors open and kids are departing. And then the doors close and it pulls away. Oh My Gosh!! My heart completely dropped. All day I was crying around to Darryell about my fear of her getting on the wrong bus or not at all. And he told me over and over that everything would be okay. So when the bus left without her getting off of it, he was freaking out a little bit too. I stood there in the drive way waiting for that bus to make it's loop and come back up the road to get to the main road. Our friend Justin stopped the bus and got back on to get her. (Thank God) And she got off the bus and ran opened arms to me.
It was only a few minutes time frame from when the bus dropped the first kids off and it coming back around but it felt like an eternity. I guess my fears of the school system dropping the ball with my child comes from when her last school nearly put her on a bus and she never rode a bus there ever. Or when there was an earthquake (not a big deal) and the school called and when I called them back they didn't know why anyone called me. But when we went to get her after school the teacher said she was called in sick that day and wasn't in school. If she wouldn't have been outside waiting for us with her friends, I probably would have gotten out of that car and it would have been real ugly. My kids are my total world and the reason I do anything good in my life and without them, I'm nothing. They make me who I am and make me want to make the best decisions I can to make their lives better and because of them my life it better even in the worst of times. I love them both so much.
Today it Gwen's first day riding the bus to and from school. So we'll see how I react today. Watching her walk to her bus (in her new uniform that actually fits) and get on it without totally freaking out (unlike me) made me so proud of her. Without even knowing it, that little girl made me stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Gwen's First Day of School in Louisiana

Miss Gwen is finally back in school now. Today Darryell and I took her up there to met her teacher and all that good stuff. She's pretty excited to start school up again. That was until this morning. She got up, ate her breakfast, put her uniform on and that's when she got nervous. I could tell she was scared. Heck, I was scared for her. I would have gave anything to take her place. It's got to be hard to start at a new school. I'm still sitting here freaking out because she'll be riding the bus home and she's never done that. We always dropped her off and picked her off. I'm thankful that our friend Glenn's son Justin rides the same bus and will make sure she gets off the bus and on it in the mornings. But I'm her mommy and she's my little girl.
I've done the laundry, the dishes and now I'm sitting here with Presley. And it's only noon. I know this panic mode won't stop until that bus pulls up and she gets off of it. Until then, I'm just waiting for 3:30 to walk down to Floyd's house to wait for that darn bus to pull up.

Meeting the In-Laws

Meeting The In-Laws Current mood: blessed Category: Life
I was so super nervous about meeting Darryell's family. I met his brother Dean when he was working in Terre Haute at the same time as Darryell. I got to know him before I even started seeing Darryell. So, I've always been in with Dean. But I was afraid his family would think I was just like anyone else who messed with him and did him wrong. That's a lot to over come to me.
I met his mom when they came to Terre Haute running from the first storm and she didn't bite, just like she promised. She was what I expected. Just a sweet little old lady who loves her family and her grandbabies to death. So once I was in with Granny, the rest of the family was easier to met.
But on the other hand, when we left for Hurricane Ike, we stayed out his sister Cherri's house. And I met a ton of people all in one day. That day I covered her family, random family friends and his brother James' family. Thankfully, that all turned out well. And the next day at Momma Fish's house, I met his sisters Paula and Kay. I'm getting better at the whole meeting the family thing. And I know there's more to come.
I concluded that his family is pretty decent. I have never meet a family quite like it before. If they know you need something, they're right there to help you or get on the phone with someone who can. I've been offered so many things for the baby, Gwen and myself that it's crazy. I'm glad to be part of such a loving family.

Living With Darryell

Everything is so totally different living here. I'm not used to this sort of thing. I've pretty much done things on my own and now there's actually someone there helping me. Like the surprise I get when he gets up with Presley at night or Darryell fussing because I'd rather do the dishes by hand over the dishwasher. (Yeah, I know, I'm weird) Having him there to just watch a movie or share a special moment with the baby is something I'll get used to in time. He's been so sweet with the whole deal for me. Being away from my family and 900 miles from the only home I've ever known. We're hoping to get back up there for Christmas, so Presley can spend his first Christmas with my parents. Since he'll have so many down here. Plus I had to leave a truck load of my DVDs there.
We're slowly getting things put back in order around here. We left when Hurricane Ike was heading this way. Which is another thing I'll have to get used too. Hurricanes....yikes! I'm still not completely unpacked and there's movies and baby things everywhere but as soon I do a once over on the place and throw out the junk that's been taking up space way too long, everything will fit into place. His mom is going to make me strawberry curtain for the kitchen. (I want to decorate it in strawberries) And slip covers for the couchs and lavender things for the bathroom (that's my color) and stuff like that. All it needs is a woman's touch and my God it needs it fast. LOL Anyways, I'm settling in just fine. Now all I need to learn is getting around this town. Since Darryell is going back to work within the week and I'll have to drive myself but there is my buddy Dean. I'll figure it out soon enough.

Moving to Louisiana

All of this is completely new to me. I've been down here since Sunday afternoon and things are weird for me right now. I'm totally used to doing things on my own and now I'm not only living with a man but depending on him too. That's seems completely crazy to me. I've always been the type who didn't feel the need to have a man and now 900 miles alway from my hometown and with a man. My life has really changed in the past year.
The trip down here could have been better but for it being a last minute thing and having to pack our things into one car within a couple days, I was alright. It seem to have took forever but I was also very exciting for me and Gwen. I haven't gone to too many places in my life, so anything past the St. Louis area was all new to me. I was like a giddy little girl looking at all the random things and taking a crap load of pictures.
Gwen's getting ready to go back to school within in the next couple of days. She's excited and ready to go but I know when the day comes, I'll be nervous as hell. It's her first time riding a bus to school. That will probably freak my out some in the beginning. Mainly because she's never rode on a bus before. But I know she'll be fine. Presley is doing great of course. He's getting used to having his daddy around. Since he was on the road the first 5 weeks or so. And meeting his family from his daddy's side.
So things down here are going along great. In time I'll get used to it. Darryell's mother is great good to me and he's slowly working me into meeting his family. I'm just glad he didn't throw me into a family dinner or something of that sort to start out with.
I'll keep ya'll up with how we're doing and Gwen's new school. With tons of pictures of course.

The Past 6 Weeks

Oh my goodness! It's been so long since I've written a blog. My past 6 weeks have been extremely busy. Presley has a problem keeping his milk down all the time and sometimes our nights are very long and I don't get much sleep anymore. But I'm used to not sleeping a whole lot. It's getting better though. He's a very good baby and I can't complain about a thing. Even with all the throwing up he does, it hasn't effected his weight gain. At his last doctors appointment on August 18th, he was up to 7 pounds 14 ounces and is probably over 8 pounds now. He's finally starting to grow into the newborn clothes he has. He's spoiled as heck of course. He's so precious, I don't wanna put him down but I'm getting better about it. His dad came up here when the hurricane was heading towards Louisana, so he has a chance to spoil him a little. He hadn't seen Presley since the day he got out of the hospital and it was nice that he had a chance to see the baby again. His mom and brother came up here too. So, they got to meet him for the first time as well.
Gwen started 1st grade on August 19th. She was excited about going back to school. She picked out her outfit she planned on wearing days in advance and changed her mind several times. When I was walking her into the school, she started getting nervous and saying her belly hurt. Then she started shaking. And I swear if she would have started crying, I would have started crying too. I've always been that way with Gwen. If something is really bothering her or she's upset, it hurts me too. In many ways, she's like my best friend. But of course, once the nerves wore off she was great and had a wonderful time with all her friends and making new ones. She's really doing great in school. They're reading the same books she's been able to read since before she even started kindergarten. She was excited about that. She came home and drug off her books off the shelf going over them again. I know she'll be fine.
That's pretty much all I've been up too. Doing the mommy thing. Which is my favorite thing to do. Making sure Gwen's homework is done and all that good stuff. Plus all the fun of having my baby boy with me. Soon he'll be moving around and all that good stuff. Then Gwen will be able to play with him more. I can't wait for that. With plenty more pictures to come.