So Lonely

I'm getting increasingly antsy about wanting to move back to Indiana. The more I look at my brother's profile and see his pictures, the more I miss them. I'll be down here for Christmas and I'll miss the snow. Even though I hated snow when I was there. I'll miss New Years with them. I never didn't anything special, maybe nurse my own personal bottle of Vodka and watch the ball drop with whoever is still up. Heck, new movie days even make me miss it even more. My brother and I would always go shopping on Tuesdays just to get the new movies and going home and watching them. Buying Wall-E and 101 Dalmatians 2 made me think about that. The more I think about it, the more I think about going up there in June for a visit should be an opportunity to move up there. Darryell knows I'm unhappy here at times because I miss home so much. He's trying to figure out a way. Saving his vacation time and sick days to go up there. He rarely uses sick days and promised he wouldn't use his vacation days for anything or anyone else. Hopefully, I'll be able to be home soon. I'm just glad he's willing to do that for me. I know there's a dumb self-centered person who'll probably think this has something to do with them but fuck all the dumb bullshit I care nothing about. I have my own life to worry about and grew bored with the petty bullshit long ago. This is what I want for my kids and myself.

Thanksgiving

I had a good Thanksgiving considering it was my first one away from my family back home. It made me miss them even more. I had a great time with Darryell's family. I was nervous at first but as usually they made me feel super welcome and like I was part of the family for years. Gwen completely fit it. She played with all the other kids and even rode a horse. I was glad they loved my pies and cookies that I made. I was stressed that they wouldn't like they or even try them. My pies went faster then the pumpkins pies. That made me feel good. Someone even offer to pay me to make some pies for him. Which was odd. My first holiday with them, I wanted to show I can do more than just boil eggs or pick up ice or something. Now I'm preparing recipes for Christmas. I'm not so nervous about the Christmas party with them. Thankfully.
This Thanksgiving I'm so thankful for my family. My daughter who has adjusted very well to the move. She's enjoy her new school now and loves playing with her new friends. My son who despite being born 5 weeks early was born perfectly healthy and no serious problems and has tripled his birth weight and is doing very well. My family back home who I miss very much and hope to be with next Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for Darryell. Who has tried to make the move so easy on me. He works long hours to make sure Gwen, Presley and I have what we want and need. He takes care of things when I'm too tired or sick to keep up on things. And for thanking me every night for all I do around the house and with the kids and tells me how much he appreciates me. I love my family more than anything.

Getting Ready for Thanksgiving

It's getting close to Thanksgiving and it's making me miss my family back home a whole lot. I would usually have to work on the holidays. (The down side of working at hotels, they never close) And last year I worked every holiday up until Father's Day, so I missed a lot around the holidays. I wish now I would have told them to shove it and been with my family but you got to work. This year will be my first holiday season down here with Darryell's family and I'm starting to stress out a little bit. Well, not so much stress but worrying about how I'll handle the family get togethers. I've met most of the family at one time or another since I've been here but all together in a group....I don't know if I'm ready for that. So to get over those worries, I've moved my thoughts to what the kids will wear. I always made sure my kids always look nice when the go anywhere. Once clothes were picked, I moved to what we're going to take. I don't want to be the family they always asked to bring cup or chips or ice too. My mom always hated that. Since I like making desserts, I'll make a couple desserts. I love baking and this is a way to contribute to the family event. His mom said bring whatever you want, so it's on. I'm hoping for a safe holiday this week and I'm looking forward to the kids having a good holiday.

Birthdays, Sick Days and Cold Days

It seems like it was yesterday that my baby girl was born and now she's in the first grade and 7 years old. She had a pretty good birthday. We tried to do the best we could for her since this was her first birthday down here. Darryell thought he was going to go on the road for work the day of her birthday, so we did it a day early. We spent all day baking her a big cake. With the colors and decorations she wanted. Since Darryell did have to go on the road, we took her to Pizza Hut on Friday. She's been wanting to go for a while now. She loved getting packages in the mail from our family back home. And you know how Grandma's do it, after she opened her gift from her Mamaw, nothing else compared to it. Thanks Grandma. So now she's started on her Christmas list.
This weekend everyone started to get sick. Gwen got better real fast but I on the other hand was out of it for a couple days. I'm not 100% yet but it's much better. I have to give Darryell his props, he totally took care of me while I was out. He made sure I got me medicine, kept up on the laundry and dishes, made me breakfast in bed, cared for Presley. Basically, he waited on me hand and foot. Everytime he went out, he'd bring me home something to make me feel better. I was worried he was going to go out of town for work for the week while I was sick. But they keep putting that off, so he's still on his regular shift for now. Now he's sick and I hope I can be as patient as he was with me.
Today Presley is a whole 4 months old. He's getting bigger and bigger everyday. Turning into quite the little butterball. That boy does love his vegetables. He's such as happy baby. He loves to laugh and his whole face lights up when he smiles. It's amazing how Darryell and I made such a sweet baby. It was this date when I got pregnant with him. He came 8 months to the date of his conception. And Gwen came 9 months to the date of Valentine's Day. I guess my kids like coming at the right time. Gwen is starting to come around with the baby. At first she was excited he was here but after seening he mainly ate and slept all the time, she was bored with it. Now that he's getting bigger and notices what's going on, she's always acting goofy for him. When she was out of school for Veteran's Day, they were laying on the bed while I was making Gwen's breakfast, she put him on her lap and gave him his bottle. She's starting to like her role as the big sister.
It's nearing Thanksgiving now. I'm looking forward to Gwen being home from school and Darryell being home with us. I'm a little nervous about going to dinner at his mom's house. I don't know why, I've met a lot of his family and have survived family functions before. But I know it'll be fun and the kids will have a great time.
I guess I better get busy catching up on housework. Since it's just Presley and I today, I'll be able to get things done....hopefully.

Another Week Has Begun

So here I am, another week has started. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better, it starts getting cooler down here. For the past couple weeks I've had Strep-throat and now that it's cleared up (for now), my stomach has been acting up. I think it may be from my lack of sleep. I'm a night person and would rather stay up. Thankfully Presley sleeps until around 5 or 6 AM. So I rarely have to do middle of the night feedings anymore. I'll get used to the colder weather, I'm used to it. All I now is I'm starting to miss the Fall season in Indiana. The smell of the leaves and things like that. I can't say yet if I'll miss snow or now. Knowing my crazy ass, I probably will.
I'm so excited about Gwen's birthday coming up. She reminds us everyday that it's November and her birthday is this month. It's her first birthday away from everyone she grew up with, so we're trying to make it as special as possible for her. Darryell has been thinking long and hard about what to do for her. He wants her first birthday with him to be something she'll remember. He doesn't want to let her down. We spent Sunday while she was in church walking around Toy 'R' Us looking for something for her. He got tons of ideas for Christmas now. We finally settled on something we thought she'd totally enjoy. It really makes me miss my brother's discount at Toys 'R' Us.
Darryell's mom's birthday is the week after Gwen's. After hanging out at her house after church, we were talking about her birthday and not knowing what to get her. But we somehow started talking about my camera and some pictures I've been taking of the baby in black and white and when she showed interest in that, Darryell and I said we'd give her one of our digital cameras. She said we could call it her birthday present. I figure if that's what she wants and it would make her happy, it works with me.
I'm really hoping we'll be able to make it back up to Indiana for my family Christmas party. That would mean the world to me. If I would have known last year during the party, I would have told work to fuck off so I could go. Like they would have cared, I got screwed at every holiday when I worked there anyways. I'm thinking of some great things to get my mom, dad and brothers that are at home. My mom won't be that hard to buy for but my dad and brothers may be a little more difficult. I miss my family so much and I know this holiday season won't be the same without them.

Monday Afternoon

It's always so quite around here with Darryell and Gwen off for the day. Just Presley and I watching TV or turning the radio up loud and dancing together. It doesn't take too long to get the daily cleaning done. Heck, I used to do housekeeping for a living, this is nothing. Less beer cans to clean up. Then when they get home, Gwen's off to play with her friends. If they don't make her cry. Then Darryell shows his protective side when it comes to her. After work, Darryell usually cuddles up on the couch with Presley. He said the hardest part about going back to work wasn't being away from me so much but being away from Presley. He tries to come home for lunch as much as possible. But we always have lunch ready just incase. But now that he's working 14 hour days in Texas, home for lunch isn't going to happen for a while.
Presley and Gwendolyn did a little Trick-Or-Treating around the neighborhood for Halloween. Gwen went as a kitty cat. For the first time in 3 years she wasn't a princess. Which was a shocker. She said next year she wants to be a witch. But we'll see when the time comes. Presley was a fuzzy little bear. She got a lot of candy. I love watching all the horror movies on TV around this time of year. I think I watched nothing but horror movies for two weeks. But after a while you get a little disappointed because they play the same movies over and over again. I complain now but that didn't stop me from watching them everytime they come on. Next year my birthday is on Friday the 13th, so you know where I'll be.
Gwendolyn's 7th birthday is on the 14th of this November. Darryell and I are trying to figure out what to get her. It shouldn't be that hard considering she wants nearly everything. At least that way she easy to please. We do know for Christmas we're going to look into getting her a Nintendo Wii. Darryell and I have talked about getting her one for a while now. And lets face it, Darryell and I are big kids at heart and would totally enjoy one too.
Since we've decided to fly to Vegas to get married, things seem easier now. We already moved it from Jan 8th to May 9th, so moving it again to June was easy. He wanted to do it on Valentine's Day but I wouldn't want it that close to my birthday. It's not all about me. LOL Arrangements for the flight, hotel, babysitter for the kids is pretty much done. We're looking at rings. I know what I want. Now it's just finding it somewhere or having it designed for us. But to have our trip to Vegas, we knew moving back to Indiana we but pushed back as well. And I've even decided to go to Marti Gras the year after. I have to go to Marti Gras at least one time before we move away. But maybe by then I can talk him into a trip to Hawaii.
Presley is getting so big. He's starting to laugh and giggly a lot more. He's wanting to sit up on his own. He's so cute laying there doing a mini crunch trying to get up. Gwen used to do the same thing. He's also tyring to hold the bottle on his own. He'll grab it and end up pushing it out of his mouth and of course it tinks him off something awful. There just something heart warming about listening to him lay there just talking away or the way he'll follow you all over the room with his eyes. I'm so blessed to have such beautiful children. If I had another baby just as sweet as the two I already have, I'll be one happy momma. I've already decided if we have another boy to name him Memphis Allyn. If Darryell wanted a kid named Dakota (Yikes! not going to happen) I can have my son named Memphis. It works well with Presley. And we did settle on a girl name of Emily Gracelyn. So could there be more kids in our future, I sure hope so but not for a while. I give myself baby fever with my baby boy as well as the gals around me. Gotta love kids though.
Well, I guess I'll get back to watching Bridezilla. Gotta love wedding shows. I've been rambling too long and it's not long quite in here since Gwen walked in the door. God love her

More Wedding Plans

I've come to realize that planning a wedding is so not my thing. I've got books of invitations, cakes, places and all that jazz. I've never considered myself to be the wedding type of gal. So after nights of talking about it with Darryell, we've decided to just throw the planning out the window and plan a trip to Vegas instead. It would work as a honeymoon as well. With this decided, we moved the date back to June.
Our plan is when I file my taxes next year, I'm going to put back enough money for a drive up to Indiana. I'm filing on my own so I would get the shaft when and if some of his past bills take their share. He doesn't want me to get screwed. That way my mom can keep the kids for the week we're gone and I can see my family. Then we'd fly out from Indianapolis. We'd either book a chapel ahead of time or find one while we're there for the week. But we are looking at some Elvis wedding packages. We've found some good deals for plane ticket/hotel rate packages. We looked at having it at Memphis before we settled on Vegas. But for what it would cost to rent the Chapel in the Woods at Graceland, we could pay for our plane tickets and hotel room. And the wedding packages we've looked at weren't that bad at all.
Now I feel relieved to have things figured out. We've both excited about this trip. We're still planning on having a party here for the family. But I'd still have to find somewhere to have it so I can have my drink or two. If not, I guess it'll just be Darryell and me, tispy like the old days.

My Friend Janet

I makes me think of my best friend Janet. She past away from a stroke last July. I dated her son when I was 18 but me and her got along way better than him and I did. Funny how things work out that way. I called her my mother-in-law anyways. She was one of the strongest people I've ever met. First she hurt her knee at work and was eventually let go because she was 100% anymore. Because of that she lost her apartment and our friend Bruce paid for a hotel for her and her daughter for a couple months. Then they moved into a homeless women and childern's shelter. In August of 2006 she had a heart attack that nearly killed her. But she managed to come back from it and was starting to do a little better. In May of 2007 she went to the doctor because she was getting dizzy and could hardly walk. He gave her some new meds for an inner ear infection. One week after that she had a stroke that left her completely unable to move. She was stable enough to be moved to a nursing home where she had a reactions to the meds they put her on. Landing her back into the hospital. Not long after, she past away. Her daughter had just completed the 5th grade right before her stroke. Now she has to live with her brother. She was like the best friend I ever had. She was there for me when drugs and my abusive boyfriend was taking over my life. She was willing to put herself in danger when my ex would start his shit.
I miss hanging out and playing Yahtzee for days. (of course when you're high you can play for days but that's over and done with) Or getting drunk on the weekends and singing along to every song. Or going to the pawn shop every Sunday to buy cheap ass DVDs. She was there when I hit the pipe for the first time and she was there when I decided that I had had enough of the bullshit and quit. I've been sober 3 years and she's been gone 15 months. I sit around and listen to Kentucky Rain and think of all the things we had done together. I miss her a whole lot.

Saturday Randomness

It's been a pretty boring Saturday. Darryell had to work today. Which I can't really complain about. It's more overtime. Now that he's back at work I'm starting to feel like the stay at home mom type. Instead of an unemployed person. I'm starting to find good ways to spend my time so everything gets done and it's not all going to hit me at once. It's gets lonely around here with Gwen in school and the baby sleeping most of the time. Yesterday I organized all the DVDs. It was quite a task. I'm real anal about them being in alphabetical order. I think once I'm confident enough to go to town by myself without having to call someone to come find me, I'll have more to do.
Last night Gwennie had her first sleepover with her friend Sage. I don't try to deny the fact that I'm a very over protective mother. So last night was probably the longest night of my life. I didn't want to go to sleep incase she wanted to come home. My mind kept wandering, just worrying about her. I got up with Darryell at 6 AM and made a bed in the living room so I could be near the door when she did come home. When Presley and I woke back up, I was going back and forth between the window and the door, watching for her. And of course, she came home just as happy as can be. I need to learn to loosen up.
We've been watching all the scary movies that have been coming on. It's my favorite time of year because of all the spooky movies on. Friday night we watched the Halloween movies and this morning I watched some Frankenstien movies. With some Night of the Living Dead thrown in there. Can't beat the classics. Now if only there was some Nightmare on Elm Street to watch. I'd be good.
I found out that my Grandma is in the hospital. They think she had a heart attack. She's been in and off of the hospital for as long as I can remember. I just hope that everything is going to be okay with her. She's the only grandparent I've ever had. My grandma on my daddy's side past away when I was a baby. And both my grandpa's past before I was born. So she's been the only one. Sure she rides our butts a lot but that's what she good at. Getting everyone in gear. I'm glad I was able to see her before I came down here and hopefully I'll be able to see her for Christmas. I want her to see me get married. She was one of the few people along with my mom who said go for it when I'd bring up moving down here. I wish I could just get up and go see her. Another reason why I miss being back home so much.
I've been getting lots of wedding catalogs to keep me occupied on the long, lonely, boring days while Darryell is at work. But going over cakes, invitations, favors and all that jazz is so much. I think as soon as we settle on a place, a theme and our colors everything else will come together nicely. Gwen's birthday is coming up real fast. She's given us a list of what she wants and everytime something new comes on the TV, she adds that to the list. I don't know what we're going to do for her birthday yet but I'm sure we'll come up with something soon. For Halloween this year she wanted to go as a cat. For the first time in 3 years, she didn't want to be a princess. And I think Presley is going as a pea pad. They're going to be so cute.
Well I guess I'll go bake some cookies and continue watching FearFest. Gotta to love some scary movies.

Presley's Doctor Appointment

Today Presley went to the doctor his immuntzations. Granny Fish had to take us to the doctor because Darryell's back at work and there was no way I was going to let him leave work to go with us. But he did come home on lunch to check on his little man. Presley is doing great! Just has healthy as can be. His up to 13 pounds and is 23 inches long. Was was being such a good boy looking around at all the Pooh stickers on the wall. Then he got a little tinked when I laid him on the color ass tissue paper but calmed down quickly. He went back to the Pooh stickers, then the nurse walked in. Then he was pissed. My poor baby was so upset. To see those big tears in his blue eyes, crushed me. But after all was said and done, he was okay and crashed on the way home. He's a little fussy right now but is taking an extra long nap. So tonight will probably be a long one but as long as he's feeling better, it's okay. Plus I just discovered that I have Strep Throat. I can probably thank Justin for that but I'm just hoping I don't get too sick while Presley is feeling down.

Considering Another Move

I've only been down here in Louisiana about 2 months and it's not a bad place or anything like that, it's just that I miss back home real bad. I'll never say I regret moving down here because at one point it was exactly what I wanted. Me wanting to make a move back home has nothing to do with the area or Darryell's family or anything like that. I love them to death and would make sure they have plenty of time with the kids until something is decided. I would just rip them out of their lives or anything stupid or shelfish like that. Like I said, I miss what I had. Maybe I'm being a patsy about everything or a big baby but I want to move back. Darryell sees it in me everyday that I'm not completely whole anymore. I miss my family, my friends and as crazy as it sounds, my job. It was a decent job, I worked for idiots but it paid the bills plus everything we needed and wanted. I miss the little things I would do with my family. Simple things like watching movies and making fun of anything we seen. Going to Wal-Mart with my brother and him taking forever in the game aisle. Going to my brother's pro shop and just sitting around listening to everyone there. Taking Gwen bowling on Saturday mornings. I miss going to Family Video every Tuesday seening if they put any good movies on sale. Stupid stuff like just sitting around with my brother talking about all the funny crap that's happened to us and laughing until we could barely breathe.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to finally be where Darryell is for more than a week before he's on the road again. I thought I'd be whole once we were finally together as a family unit but I loss a piece of me when I left everything behind. Once we no longer have to worry about what to do with this place and all the junk in it, it will be set to move on and get a different place with new junk to fill it. Before he didn't know what to do with this place, so me coming down here made since. But once that's taken care of, it's all up in the air. We have been looking at houses/apartments and employment options in Terre Haute and also Indianapolis. Once we've gotten ahead enough and have things lined up somewhere else, I'm hoping to hit the road.
Gwen has mentioned a couple times about going 'home'. Usually after talking to her Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Bubby or when I ask her why she doesn't want to go to school. She misses her old school. I think she's just getting bored with school here. They're doing stuff she already knows and she's bored with it. Darryell wants up both to be happy and this is what would make me happy and his more than willing to do this for me. Gotta love a man who'll do anything to make me happy.
So hopefully things will work out. I'm surrounded by people most of the time, yet I'm lonely inside for the home I left behind.

Wedding Ideas

I've come to realize that planning a wedding isn't the easiest task I've ever came up against. There's so much to think about. Where to have it and when. Where to have a reception, what will we serve, liquor, decorations. Right now it's feeling a little overwhelming. I know I don't want it to be too traditional. I'm not really that type of person. I'm more of a run off to Vegas or doing it at city hall and having a huge ass party afterwards. But I'm trying to find a comfy medium. We've discussed the Vegas thing (thanks to helpful tips from our friend Penny who got married there) or we've thought about doing it in Memphis. Then I thought about having it at his mom's church. It seemed easy enough but then where to have a reception. If we did it at the church, there would be no liquor allowed or at his mom's house. And I do enjoy a drink or two, so that just won't work.
I've been looking into some other places and trying to get a general idea of what I want to do. One thing I thing we're considering is a place called Myrtles Plantation. I wanted to go there after the wedding as sorta of like a honeymoon. It's a haunted plantation and it would be something we would enjoy and just be alone for a weekend. (I know a haunted honeymoon isn't too romantic but what the hell, I'm not into traditional things anyways.) Then when we're looking into room rates and thinks like that, we see that they have wedding and reception facilities. I think it's a totally awsome idea. Getting married in one of the 'most haunted houses in America' is something I would totally be up for. We have seven months to figure out something that will be great for both of us. He just wants to get married. If he had his way, we'd get married next week. I would usually be down for that. However, I'm the one one wants a wedding, traditional or not. If I only get married once in my lifetime, it's going to be something I'll remember. On the other hand I've been watching 'Amazing Wedding Cakes' and 'My Big Redneck Wedding', who knows where I'll end up with some of the crazy ideas that are being put in my head.

Tuesday Night

Oh boy, today really seemed to drain me. Last night Gwennie came home from school feeling a little sick. After taking some medicine and a short nap, it was looking like she was going to be feeling better. But she fell asleep before her homework started.......it was to watch some of the Saints football game. It was a pretty decent game even though they lost. I know when Gwen is really sick because of the way she is when she's sleeping. Moans, talks and is very restless. She had a temp of 101.4. So me being the worry-wort mother I am, I say up with her all night. I wanted to make sure I was right there if she needed me. We kept her home from school because she was up most of the night sick. She is feeling a little better now and she's ready to go back to school. She was a little on it today with her being more up beat than the day before. But she's my baby, I can deal with it. What am I supposed to do, lock her outside for being hyper. Oh wait, that's not my style of parenting. LOL.
But with me having gotten even less sleep than I'm used to, I figured today would completely drag and I would fall out before too long. But I guess I work better under conditions like that. I got all the cleaning done, all the laundry, all the dishes and the dishes from after supper, a lot of extra things that needed done but never had the time too and baked a cake. But Darryell cooked dinner for us today, so I can't take credit for that one but the cake was all me. Now I'm sitting here at 11:35 PM with both the kids crashed and you'd think I'd be ready to fall out myself but I'm just as ready to go then this morning. I guess when I was working second and third shifts and doubling back on some days, I'm used to running on empty. I'll probably be up late again, watching the Amazing Wedding Cakes show, thinking of some very untraditional wedding cake ideas or at least some ideas for the wedding itself. Lord knows I'm not so traditional.
Looking at pictures of my friend's kids first time bowling and it made me miss bowling. Bowling is what my family does. Most of us started probably about the time we could walk. Last year was Gwen's first time on a league and she did real good. She was most improved, had the highest game and her team was second place in her division. I'm sure if we went bowling she'd miss her pretty pink ball or her purple one and of course her pink shoes. I haven't bowled in 3 years now and I'm probably a little rusty but hey, I'm a Fields, I know I can redeem myself. LOL
I guess I'll go to bed now. I watched my Bonnie and Clyde movie and now it's on to In the Heat of the Night and after that it's Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. So I guess you could say my night is planned up until the wee hours of the morning. More wedding ideas and finish my letter to my mom will probably be thrown in there somewhere too. Then some sleep and preparing for another day in Louisiana.

Random Midnight Thoughts

I know I really should be in bed. It's only a few short hours before Presley is due for a feeding. But I sit here watching TV about some cool ass haunted houses. It makes me wanna go to Eastern State Penitentiary. How can you beat a haunted house type deal in a maximum security prison. It's sounds like something I'd totally be up for. I'm up for anything creepy. I guess I'll add that one to the list of places I want to see someday along with Lizzie Borden's house, a place called the Hangman's House and a laundry list of haunted hotels I want to spend the night in. And I'm sure there's some crazy voodoo places around New Orleans or something like that.
Unlike the supposed ghost stories from the hotel I worked in. Third floor was creepy but I still think it was the mold monsters living in the walls or the picture frames, if you were in the right room. Now that's creepy. I had my whole theory that if the Best Western in Terre Haute ever caught on fire again and wasn't able to be brought under control, it would end up like "The Mist" or something. A mold cloud would consume the south end of town and what comes with it, who knows. But all that is just my ramblings on really how nasty that place is. Management isn't too bright either.
I was standing outside eariler while Darryell walked the dogs before they came inside for the night and I could hear the cows just a mooing away across the highway. It's completely different from where I'm from. There's cows at the end of the road we live on, the landlord has goats and pigeons, the cows across the highway, there's frogs and lizards everywhere. Back home I did live in an area where you'd hear the frogs all summer and when it's cool in the in early mornings we would go outside and there'd be tons of deers eating berries in our front yard but all these farm animals are different to me. And I'm sure a camera freak that I'm always trying to get pictures of them. Such a tourist.
Tomorrow night I think I'll start a family night deal. We can just play a board game. None of this PS or Xbox stuff. A good old fashion board game. Or maybe a movie night or something. I want this mainly because with Gwen making friends and playing most of the afternoon, she always seems to fall asleep right after dinner. This way I can have time with her but she can still have plenty of time with her friends. She's been like my best friend since she was born, I know it's time to let her be a little girl. Even if that means I have to share her.
I guess I should get a few hours sleep before they baby gets up. He may surprise me and sleep the rest of the night. But he's a hungry boy and won't miss any feedings if he can help it. He'll go from sound asleep to pissed because he's hungry and he's hungry right them. He's such a good baby and is staying to smile up a storm. But I think he saves the best ones for Daddy but at least he's forming a bond with his Daddy. I think it's important to have a good relationship with his Daddy. And I'm glad I got over my pig-headed ways and realized what I would have been screwing Presley out of. His Daddy. And I may do a lot of crazy things but I didn't want that to be one of them.
I am going to sleep. Enough random ramblings from a semi insane manic bi polar crazy person. Or something to that effect.

October 1, 2008

It's now October and I've been down here about a month now and things are going well for all three of us. I'm making friends, Gwen is going great in school and Presley is enjoying being with his daddy. This month isn't going to be anymore busy than the last. There's mainly doctor appointments and dentist appointments I have to catch up on. Nothing major, just check ups.
We've sort of picked a wedding date. I like May 9th because it's a full moon and May shouldn't be as hot. There may be some event going on in Lake Charles that weekend, so it may be pushed back to the Saturday before Mother's Day. I believe it's the 16th. It's seven months away and we're trying to pan out some details now, so we aren't going it all towards the end. Our colors are going to be lavender, white and maybe silver or gold. But I'm still considering some other colors. But it'll all be figured out in the end.
Halloween is coming up and even though it's not a major holiday but we still do our thing. Gwen will dress up as a princess again. That's her favorite thing to be but she has been talking about being a cat. I'm sure she'll decide sooner or later. Darryell and I will enjoy all the scary movies on this month. If not, Justin will watch scary movies with me. But of course nothing would be Glenn's chicken butt over here watching horror movies.
We've rearranged the living room to make more room in here. I was fine the way it was but with all the baby's stuff and all the extra movies, we needed a bigger DVD rack. So some stuff just had to go. I'm looking for a cute area rug for the floor and I'm making slip covers for the couches with Momma Fish. And she's making curtains for the living room and the kitchen. Darryell just needed a gal who actually takes care of her things and make it more homie. We'll get there sooner or later.
I've started a diet to lose the rest of the baby weight I gaines. I was inspired to not want to be ashamed of my wedding pictures. I love me but I'm sure it'll help me feel better too. I've also started filling out paperwork to start online classes in Criminal Justice. Hopefully that will get going here before long.
Other than all of that there's not a whole lot going on. Just all the mommy stuff that I love doing and taking care of my man as much as he takes care of me. God love him. Oh yeah and it's Breast Cancer Awarness month. So buy your Pink Stuff and do what you can do in support.

What I'm Grateful For

I think about things like this all the time. The things in my life that I'm so grateful to have. The first and always number one thing I'm grateful for is my childern. No one else comes before them. Not a man or an animal, nothing. Gwendolyn has saved my life so many times and she doesn't even know it. When I was at the lowest point in my life and all seemed hopeless for me, I honestly say if it wasn't for that little girl ( 3 years old at the time) I would have gave up. I was in a really bad, abusive relationship. After I nearly died due to his abusive ways, fear kept me there. I know it sounds stupid and I always said if a man ever put his hands on me that way, I'd be gone. But it was so different when I was in that situation. But all I could think of when everything was going down, was never seeing my baby girl again. After that, I made my way out, got sober and even though it took me a while to get back on my feet after losing nearly everything I had. I barely had my sanity but I made it out with my life and my child. I'm grateful for that.
Then there's my baby boy Presley. I was content with one child before I got pregnant. But after I found out I was indeed pregnant, it turned out he was everything I hadn't realized I wanted. Being a mother means the whole world to me, so I loved the fact that I now had a chance to be a mommy again and Gwen would have the baby sibling she always wanted. When I went into labor 5 weeks early, I never felt that kind of fear before. I didn't know what was happening or why this was happening, if he was okay or if I did anything wrong. All I did know for sure was that if it came down to it, I would have risked myself to give him life. Thankfully, my labor was normal other than it being 5 weeks early and that he was a big boy for being so early. He was healthy as can be and I'm so grateful for that.
I'm grateful for my friends and family. My family was there helping me get through some of the roughest times in my life. They were there when I needed something, even something as petty as shampoo or as big as my car payment. There was many nights after I hit rock bottom and though I was climbing out and I'd slide right back down, I would get so drunk, I wouldn't even know where I was. But my mom always cleaned up whatever mess I made and put me to bed. Even when I felt worthless and thought I had nowhere to go, my friends and family was there pulling me out. I'm also grateful for my new family down here in Louisiana. Moving away from home for the first time in 24 years was hard but they all made me feel so welcome and offered their help whenever I need it.
Last but not least, I'm grateful for Darryell. He gave me my beautiful son and became a father-figure to Gwen. We went through a lot in our first few months but he never gave up on me. I was the coldest bitch to him at times and he just kept coming. Trying to prove once again how much he loves me. He's always there when I need him. He puts me and the kids first over anything. He includes us in every decision he makes and never leaves us out of anything. He's giving me the chance to be just a full time mommy for a while since I missed a lot with Gwen and wants me to be there for the kids when I want to be. I'm getting the chance to further my education like I've always wanted. He's the man who proved to me that not all men are the same. And I'm so very grateful to have him in my life.

Letter to Grandma

Since we've been here, Gwen has been having so much fun with her new friends and in school. And it seems like I'm always so busy with everytime, that by the time I get around to calling them, it's too late there. Gwen hasn't seemed to miss anyone back home since she's been here. I know she's a kid and was too busy taking it all in to even have time to miss anyone. But yesterday after school, I had her sit down and write letters to her Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Bubby. Being as how it was after school, she had no homework and was just ready to go outside and play with her friends, she rushed through it and didn't take the time I put down all the things she wanted to tell him. But I figured they would think it was great to get anything from Gwen. Then if it's just a few random lines with a huge drawing of her smiling.
But later that night after supper, she was in her room playing the computer, I go in there to tell her it's bath time and she was sitting there crying. When I asked what was wrong, she finally broke down and said she missed her Grandma. So, I call my mom so Gwen could talk to her. I know she misses our family back home but she's starting to make a life for herself here in friends, a new school and more family members. As long as she understands that her family back in Indiana will always be there for her, she'll be fine. And hopefully that means less tears for my baby girl. I'm just glad she finally said how she was feeling, instead of holding it all in.

Monday Night Wrestling

Anyone who knows me, knows that wrestling is so totally not my thing but Darryell likes to watch it with his buddies on Mondays. I figure he watches every horror movie I put in the DVD player, so I can give a little and watch some wrestling with him. I mean heck, it I didn't like it, I could come home. I honestly haven't watched wrestling since I was a dumb teenager and think it's the most redneck thing ever besides NASCAR. Even though I had no clue how any of these guys were or what the heck was going on but I did enjoy hanging out with the kids, Darryell and his buddies Glenn, Floyd and Dale. Going something with the group and not being unsociable and staying home doing nothing alone.
I missed hanging out with Darryell and Glenn together. When them two get together and start talking about funny crap that happened at work or start bashing on people, it's the funniest shit. It's always funny to get them going about the dumb ass Clean Harbor guys I knew.
I may not become a big fan of wrestling but to spend extra time together as a family, I'll try anything once. I'm willing to try out things Darryell enjoys doing. After all, it's not all about me anymore. Relationships are give and take. And I'm willing to give as much as he his.

Meeting the Neighbors

I've pretty much met any of the neighbors that Darryell cares to introduce me to. Gwen has met and became friends with the kids in the neighborhood and enjoys playing with them after school. I still feel odd when Gwen goes off and plays in the neighborhood without me. The parents tell me over and over that the kids are safe when they're out playing and everyone keeps and eye on them. But I still feel weird when I'm not watching her. I feel like I should be paying whoever's mom's house they are playing at for 'baby-sitting' her. But they don't see it that way. I'll get used to it sooner or later. I need to get used to the fact that my little girl is spreading her wings and becoming more independant from me.
The people I have met have all been great about helping me feel welcome in the neighborhood. They're all so willing to help you out, even if you don't ask for it. I've got countless school uniform tops for Gwen and someone is always bring some type of southern food that I have to try out. I've been to a BBQ and a swim party with the parents of Gwen's friends. My first LSU football party, where they made some more southern food for me to try. (I need to get used to all the spicy foods) I was invited to Mae's son's birthday party at the bowling alley. Which Gwen was totally down for. I've gotten to hang out with Glenn. Who I met when he was in Terre Haute for work when Darryell was. He's really made me feel welcome here and treats me like his little sister. And his son is a big help when it comes to Gwen getting on and off the bus.
So as well as Gwen, I'm making friends too. Which is good, so I'll have someone other than Presley to talk to while Gwen's at school and Darryell's at work. And other than Darryell's family, I'll have then to invite to our wedding now. If we get married in town here. I'm still leaning towards Vegas though. I got a tip on great place to book from my friend Penny. But with me making friends, I may wanna do it here. Anyway, it's been good here and I'm starting to find my place with everyone here and they give Darryell good reviews about me.

What I Promise You

What I Promise You
My feelings for you grow
More and more everyday
Letting all my fears fade away
Devotion and loyalty
Is what I promise you

I'm ready to see this through
Til the end of your time
I'll always be there
And prove myself true
Is what I promise you

You'll never have to doubt me
Or wonder where I've gone
No sometimer in me
Loyal, faithful and ture
Is what I promise you

Now and forever
Dedicated to standing by you
Loyal, faithful and true
No matter what I gotta do
Is what I promise you

My Worst Fear

I know a lot of mothers would agree but one of my worst fears is my kids getting lost somewhere and not knowing where to look or just disappearing. Well, yesterday I had one of those heart dropped to my feet moments. You know that yesterday was Gwen's first day of school. We took her in the morning and she was riding the bus home. I went down to the neighbor's house at 3:00 and sat there waiting for the bus that comes between 3:45 and 4:00. When the bus pulled up, I jumped up, went outside and had her bottle of Kool-Aid ready for her. I watch the bus doors open and kids are departing. And then the doors close and it pulls away. Oh My Gosh!! My heart completely dropped. All day I was crying around to Darryell about my fear of her getting on the wrong bus or not at all. And he told me over and over that everything would be okay. So when the bus left without her getting off of it, he was freaking out a little bit too. I stood there in the drive way waiting for that bus to make it's loop and come back up the road to get to the main road. Our friend Justin stopped the bus and got back on to get her. (Thank God) And she got off the bus and ran opened arms to me.
It was only a few minutes time frame from when the bus dropped the first kids off and it coming back around but it felt like an eternity. I guess my fears of the school system dropping the ball with my child comes from when her last school nearly put her on a bus and she never rode a bus there ever. Or when there was an earthquake (not a big deal) and the school called and when I called them back they didn't know why anyone called me. But when we went to get her after school the teacher said she was called in sick that day and wasn't in school. If she wouldn't have been outside waiting for us with her friends, I probably would have gotten out of that car and it would have been real ugly. My kids are my total world and the reason I do anything good in my life and without them, I'm nothing. They make me who I am and make me want to make the best decisions I can to make their lives better and because of them my life it better even in the worst of times. I love them both so much.
Today it Gwen's first day riding the bus to and from school. So we'll see how I react today. Watching her walk to her bus (in her new uniform that actually fits) and get on it without totally freaking out (unlike me) made me so proud of her. Without even knowing it, that little girl made me stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Gwen's First Day of School in Louisiana

Miss Gwen is finally back in school now. Today Darryell and I took her up there to met her teacher and all that good stuff. She's pretty excited to start school up again. That was until this morning. She got up, ate her breakfast, put her uniform on and that's when she got nervous. I could tell she was scared. Heck, I was scared for her. I would have gave anything to take her place. It's got to be hard to start at a new school. I'm still sitting here freaking out because she'll be riding the bus home and she's never done that. We always dropped her off and picked her off. I'm thankful that our friend Glenn's son Justin rides the same bus and will make sure she gets off the bus and on it in the mornings. But I'm her mommy and she's my little girl.
I've done the laundry, the dishes and now I'm sitting here with Presley. And it's only noon. I know this panic mode won't stop until that bus pulls up and she gets off of it. Until then, I'm just waiting for 3:30 to walk down to Floyd's house to wait for that darn bus to pull up.

Meeting the In-Laws

Meeting The In-Laws Current mood: blessed Category: Life
I was so super nervous about meeting Darryell's family. I met his brother Dean when he was working in Terre Haute at the same time as Darryell. I got to know him before I even started seeing Darryell. So, I've always been in with Dean. But I was afraid his family would think I was just like anyone else who messed with him and did him wrong. That's a lot to over come to me.
I met his mom when they came to Terre Haute running from the first storm and she didn't bite, just like she promised. She was what I expected. Just a sweet little old lady who loves her family and her grandbabies to death. So once I was in with Granny, the rest of the family was easier to met.
But on the other hand, when we left for Hurricane Ike, we stayed out his sister Cherri's house. And I met a ton of people all in one day. That day I covered her family, random family friends and his brother James' family. Thankfully, that all turned out well. And the next day at Momma Fish's house, I met his sisters Paula and Kay. I'm getting better at the whole meeting the family thing. And I know there's more to come.
I concluded that his family is pretty decent. I have never meet a family quite like it before. If they know you need something, they're right there to help you or get on the phone with someone who can. I've been offered so many things for the baby, Gwen and myself that it's crazy. I'm glad to be part of such a loving family.

Living With Darryell

Everything is so totally different living here. I'm not used to this sort of thing. I've pretty much done things on my own and now there's actually someone there helping me. Like the surprise I get when he gets up with Presley at night or Darryell fussing because I'd rather do the dishes by hand over the dishwasher. (Yeah, I know, I'm weird) Having him there to just watch a movie or share a special moment with the baby is something I'll get used to in time. He's been so sweet with the whole deal for me. Being away from my family and 900 miles from the only home I've ever known. We're hoping to get back up there for Christmas, so Presley can spend his first Christmas with my parents. Since he'll have so many down here. Plus I had to leave a truck load of my DVDs there.
We're slowly getting things put back in order around here. We left when Hurricane Ike was heading this way. Which is another thing I'll have to get used too. Hurricanes....yikes! I'm still not completely unpacked and there's movies and baby things everywhere but as soon I do a once over on the place and throw out the junk that's been taking up space way too long, everything will fit into place. His mom is going to make me strawberry curtain for the kitchen. (I want to decorate it in strawberries) And slip covers for the couchs and lavender things for the bathroom (that's my color) and stuff like that. All it needs is a woman's touch and my God it needs it fast. LOL Anyways, I'm settling in just fine. Now all I need to learn is getting around this town. Since Darryell is going back to work within the week and I'll have to drive myself but there is my buddy Dean. I'll figure it out soon enough.

Moving to Louisiana

All of this is completely new to me. I've been down here since Sunday afternoon and things are weird for me right now. I'm totally used to doing things on my own and now I'm not only living with a man but depending on him too. That's seems completely crazy to me. I've always been the type who didn't feel the need to have a man and now 900 miles alway from my hometown and with a man. My life has really changed in the past year.
The trip down here could have been better but for it being a last minute thing and having to pack our things into one car within a couple days, I was alright. It seem to have took forever but I was also very exciting for me and Gwen. I haven't gone to too many places in my life, so anything past the St. Louis area was all new to me. I was like a giddy little girl looking at all the random things and taking a crap load of pictures.
Gwen's getting ready to go back to school within in the next couple of days. She's excited and ready to go but I know when the day comes, I'll be nervous as hell. It's her first time riding a bus to school. That will probably freak my out some in the beginning. Mainly because she's never rode on a bus before. But I know she'll be fine. Presley is doing great of course. He's getting used to having his daddy around. Since he was on the road the first 5 weeks or so. And meeting his family from his daddy's side.
So things down here are going along great. In time I'll get used to it. Darryell's mother is great good to me and he's slowly working me into meeting his family. I'm just glad he didn't throw me into a family dinner or something of that sort to start out with.
I'll keep ya'll up with how we're doing and Gwen's new school. With tons of pictures of course.

The Past 6 Weeks

Oh my goodness! It's been so long since I've written a blog. My past 6 weeks have been extremely busy. Presley has a problem keeping his milk down all the time and sometimes our nights are very long and I don't get much sleep anymore. But I'm used to not sleeping a whole lot. It's getting better though. He's a very good baby and I can't complain about a thing. Even with all the throwing up he does, it hasn't effected his weight gain. At his last doctors appointment on August 18th, he was up to 7 pounds 14 ounces and is probably over 8 pounds now. He's finally starting to grow into the newborn clothes he has. He's spoiled as heck of course. He's so precious, I don't wanna put him down but I'm getting better about it. His dad came up here when the hurricane was heading towards Louisana, so he has a chance to spoil him a little. He hadn't seen Presley since the day he got out of the hospital and it was nice that he had a chance to see the baby again. His mom and brother came up here too. So, they got to meet him for the first time as well.
Gwen started 1st grade on August 19th. She was excited about going back to school. She picked out her outfit she planned on wearing days in advance and changed her mind several times. When I was walking her into the school, she started getting nervous and saying her belly hurt. Then she started shaking. And I swear if she would have started crying, I would have started crying too. I've always been that way with Gwen. If something is really bothering her or she's upset, it hurts me too. In many ways, she's like my best friend. But of course, once the nerves wore off she was great and had a wonderful time with all her friends and making new ones. She's really doing great in school. They're reading the same books she's been able to read since before she even started kindergarten. She was excited about that. She came home and drug off her books off the shelf going over them again. I know she'll be fine.
That's pretty much all I've been up too. Doing the mommy thing. Which is my favorite thing to do. Making sure Gwen's homework is done and all that good stuff. Plus all the fun of having my baby boy with me. Soon he'll be moving around and all that good stuff. Then Gwen will be able to play with him more. I can't wait for that. With plenty more pictures to come.

Before I Was a Mom

Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.I never thought about immunizations.Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on.Pooped on.Chewed on.Peed on.I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.I slept all night.. Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.Or give shots.I never looked into teary eyes and cried.I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.I never knew that I could love someone so much.I never knew I would love being a Mom.Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

5 Days Old

Presley is 5 days old today and he's still in the NICU. Yesterday the way the doctor was talking, it was starting to sound hopeful that he'd be coming home either today or Friday. He had his 'little boy operation' this morning and last night he had his carseat test and passed that. But today at his feeding the doctor said he's a picky eater and doesn't take the same amount everytime and that he didn't know what to tell me about coming home. He wants Presley to eat better before he comes home, I understand that but I hate leaving him there.
I was with Gwen every day and night until I went to work and being away from him for even an hour sucks. I sit around and mope wanting to run back up there and see him. I don't know what I'll do when his dad leaves and goes back to work in Texas (this time). Who else would get up out of a dead sleep at 3 in the morning and take me to the hospital just because I miss my baby boy so much I can't sleep. He's probably more tired then I am just from driving me back and forth. Of course he knows I would walk up there if he wouldn't take me and he don't want Momma to be unhappy. But nothing would make me happier than bring my baby home.
I guess the hope they did put in me today was that I can bring him some of his own clothes when I come up later. That sounds good to me. No more IVs, moved from the heat lamp bed, got his 'little boy operation', she's carseat is up there and now I can bring up his own clothes. It may just be me hoping but it keeps me going. I know he'll be home soon. Until then, I guess I'll take a trip to Babys'R'Us and pick him up something as a coming home gift or maybe just use it as a reason to go baby shopping with Gwen.

Presley Garon is Here

Much to my surprise, Presley decided to come a little early. I must have been in labor starting on Wednesday the 16th and I figured it was just false labor pains or more pressure from when he dropped. So I went to bed, got up at 5am the next morning and went to work still feeling crappy. When my boss came in at 9am, she said I didn't look so well and let me go to the hospital to get it checked out. So, on Thrusday the 17th around noon, I was checked in to the hospital to try and stop the labor to buy him some time. I was already 3 cm and was given steriod shots to develop his lungs just in case he did come early.
The pills I was given to start with to stop the labor didn't work at all, so he gave me a shot to stop it. Which seemed to work and got me through the night. On Friday the 18th I was given my usually dose of the pills but it wasn't helping. I laid there in pain for 5 more hours when the nurse checked me and I was up to 4 cm.
With that Dr. Sukbun told the nurse to just let me go with it, give me one more shot to stop the labor long enough to let the second steroid shot to kick in for the baby. I was moved to the delievery room about 2 in the afternoon on Friday. The shot wore off about 9PM and from there it all went so quick. By the time midnight rolled around, I was up to 8cm and everything and everyone was nearly in place. So after a few really good pushes, Presley Garon was born at 1:28 on July 19th.
Thankfully he is a very healthy little boy. He was 5 pounds 12 ounces and 18 1/2 inches long. Good color, great lungs, I feel I'm so lucky there wasn't anything major wrong with him. He did go into the ICU because his blood sugar was low but he's doing great now and will hopefully be home within the next couple days.
With me being discharged on Monday and him still being there, it kills me. I miss my little baby boy so much. I go up there and feed and rock him, all that good stuff as much as I can. This is my first night out of the hospital and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal.
Gwen is so super excited about him being here but a little bummed that she can't see him up close or hold him yet. Heck, he's so tiny, I'm nervous to hold him but I'm getting there. I'll keep you updated on his progress and when he's finally home.

6 Weeks Left to Go

I am down to my last 6 weeks of this pregnancy. I'm really starting to feel the pressure he is putting on my now. Ever since he dropped, I feel everything being pulled downward more and more. Mainly after sleeping or sitting down for an extended period of time. I know it won't be much longer now. I've got 2 more weeks left to work. Or I like to say I've only got 8 more shifts to work, them I'm home free. Now making it through those shifts is another story completely. I'm hoping to be able to stay on baby leave through Covered Bridge in October. I've worked in hotels long enough to know, those people will eat you alive around here. And I'm glad I'll be long gone before Sheid Diesel comes to town. I couldn't stay being around drunk hillbillies with their trucks this year.
My friends at work had a baby shower for me on July 6th. I wasn't planning on having a baby shower this time around but it was good to know that at least a few people like me enough to take the time to have one for me. But I did get a lot of the things I was needing for him and enough bath items to get him through for a while. Other than the stuff I got at the baby shower, I did get the swing I wanted, a bath chair, a musical play mat and a Boppy pillow. Which is what my friend Marketa said I totally needed. So, I bought one. I couldn't find a stroller/carseat that I wanted in any store in town, so baby daddy ordered the one I wanted online and it's being shipped here in the next week. How could I not want one with dinosaurs on it. I think it's cute as hell. He's calling it a 'gift' instead of baby momma wasn't happy and wouldn't settle for anything else. But I'm happy with it. All I need now is his crib and highchair when he's ready for them and he's all set. I'm just so ready for him to come. The closer it gets the more excited I get.
I got Gwen some school clothes already so I can be a little bit prepared when school time runs around. I just have to make sure I have money put back for school books. Which won't be cheap if her Kendergarten book fee was like $110.00. But I'm not stressing out over it. If it needs paid, I always make sure her things are paid on time. She's ready for the baby just as much as I am. She gets super excited when she sits and watches him kick and moving around. And then she'll start talking about all she wants to do with the baby. Read to him, feed him, rock him. Everything but changing his diaper...which she will clearly tell you is my job.

Gwen, Presley and My Crazy Life

Thirty-two weeks down and eight more to go until I'm ready to pop. I'm getting bigger and things are getting a little harder to do. I can barely turn over in bed without making myself have to go to the bathroom. I'm tired all the time but I hardly have anytime to rest. I know the next 8 weeks will be even harder but so worth it in the end. I'm hoping to get the major shopping for Presley warped up within the next couple of weeks. Thanks to his dad. Who seems to be getting more excited about it than I figured in the past months. But maybe that's just how old men are.
With him taking care of those things, it will give me the leave way to take care of Gwen's school clothes (even though she's over loaded with clothes now) and her book fees and supplies for the first grade. And she wants Guitar Hero on Tour for her Nintendo DS. I swear, she wants it. If I wanted it, we'd so get it for Nintendo wii. Of course the only thing stopping me there is that her hands are too small to hold the guitar. But my brother and I are so down for it. I'm taking her to the movies sometime this week. Wall-E and Kung Fu Panda are playing and she'd love to see either of them. It seems we haven't had time to go out and do something, just me and her in a while. I mean we shop but just me and her spending the day out all about her.
I'm thinking of signing her up for dance lessons this fall. She has always danced around the house and loves the dancing reality shows and I figure if that's what she wants to, I'll sign her up. That way she has plenty of time to learn any type of dance she wants too. Plus she'll always have bowling. She's a Fields and that's what we do, bowl.
I decided I am finally going to go back to school. I've thought about it over and over before and took a little bit in Criminal Justice but not enough to even say I did. Time has always been an issue and now it's an even bigger issue with two kids and working full-time but I'm determined not to get myself trapped in a job that's less than what I expect from myself. I've been working behind the desk of hotels since I was 18 years old and worked in a dead end factory for two years and if I want to go anywhere in life or just better myself for my kids, I want to be able to provide for them completely. We are doing pretty good now but it could be so much better if I just applied myself and really got down to business. Maybe not in Criminal Justice but I'm thinking more along the lines of Paralegal studies. And I've always thought about Mortuary Sciences even though it sounds crazy. I have some time to completely think it over and hopefully have it figured out soon.
I go to court on Tuesday over the same crap I went to court over in Fedurary. And even though they were dumb enough not to take my offer for a payment arrangement then, they must want it now. But of course now is way too late and they're just going to have to wait until I'm back to work. How dumb do you have to be to turn down a payment arrangement at tax time? Everyone else got paid but they didn't. It's their own faults.
On Wednesday I go back to the doctor and pick up Gwen's pictures. So I'll let you know how the doctor appointment goes and how the pictures turned out.
I guess that's it for now. I'm at my 'going nowhere' place of employment and I have paperwork to do and an audit to run. What fun.

This and That

There's nine more weeks to go until the baby is due. It doesn't seem like that long when you put it that way. It's also a countdown until Gwen starts school again. It'll suck because I'll miss having her around all the time. But with the new baby and her been in school during the day there will be less chaos going on. Now that it's getting so close, I'm suddenly undecided about what swing, high chair and stroller I want. I guess it's a good thing I didn't do my usual spoiled brat thing and buy the first set I thought was cute and wanted to get. I like doing my baby shopping, so I'm sure I'll decide by the time he gets here.
I'm starting not to feel so well anymore. With Gwen, the last 4 weeks I was pregnant, I was sick a lot, my blood pressure was always up and I was on bed rest most of the time. I'm hoping it doesn't happen like that again. I'm leaving work at the beginning of August and I'm hoping I can make it that far without missing work due to feeling sick and just plain down and out.
I'm glad things with baby daddy are working out for the better. It seemed less stressful on me when we started being able to get along, nearly every time we talk. I would worry too much about him having what he needs and all that jazz. And now that he's finally rid of his blood sucker, he's able to help more with Presley. Of course if he wouldn't have spent so much money to make me see he cared in the beginning, it could have went towards the baby. But that's all that now. I was mostly worried about Presley not having his daddy around and not knowing if he cared about his son and all sorts of crazy things. And even if he just sent money for the baby and didn't have a real relationship with him, what would be the point. At least now I know he cares and wants to see him. If I ever move in with baby daddy he would be able to have a better relationship with Presley over him being in Indiana. But the exception would be, he would owe me a trip to Mardi Gras. I'm not going to live 3 hours from it and not go. And a new rocker, that's all I want. Nah, I'm not really that easy to please. I'm a spoil little brat. But there's no rush for something like that right now. At least until things are settled.
Gwen got her pictures taken last week. They came out really good and I'll get them up as soon as I get them. Well, that's pretty much what's been up the past week or so.

June 17th Doctor Appointment

I went to the doctor this morning and everything is going well. The baby is doing great and getting bigger of course. My sugar test came back normal. Thankfully, everyone at work had me worried about it. But all is well there. He didn't do too much. Heart beat is as strong as ever. I go back in 2 more weeks, so I feel like I'm on the final stretch.
I'm only working 6 more weeks before I take my vacation and start my baby leave. That will make the time go by quicker. My count down until my last day of work. Glory, glory, not a moment too soon. I'll probably freak out here before then. Then I'll have time to get everything ready for Presley's arrival. My next appointment is July 2nd, so maybe I'll have something more exciting to report then.

The Money Hungry People I Work For

I have worked front desk in hotels since I was 18 years old but this place is by far the worst. I understand that we aren't a cheap hotel but when you'd rather only sell 50 rooms out of 146 on a Saturday night over dropping your rate some to sell them, that's crazy. I don't even think this place is worth the rate we sell for. But what really makes me mad is the fact that we pretty much screwed any flood victim that needed somewhere to stay after lossing everything. Our rate was jacked up anyway for Special Olympics but instead of taking a discount off our standard rate for any other day, we took our rate back down to the walk-in rate of $99.99. Which I think is total bullshit to make a point to call the TV station and have them broadcast that we are offering them a discounted rate and when the get here, the totally get screwed. Then Sunday when our rate went back down from $129.99 to the $99.99 you would think our flood victim rate would decrease too. No way in hell with these money hungry idoits. It stayed at $99.99. So none of these people who lost everything were getting any kind of break here. Then I find out some people called for a little old lady who's house was lost and was without money completely because she just paid all her bills and was on a fixed income and didn't have $100 to spare, wondering if we would be kind enough to put her up a couple days and this place turned her away because she had no money. I understand it's a business but what kind of cold-hearted people would take advantage for people in need. And oh my gosh, I would sell rooms to these people with nothing for $79.99 and the reaction from management was like I just shot the Pope. And God forbid if we would have needed any of the rooms we rented for this 'discounted' rate, management would have thrown them out in a heart beat. I wish I was lying or making this shit up but it's another reason I, myself would totally avoid do any business with the Best Western Terre Haute Inn & Suites. I work here and know first hand how our General Manager treats and talks about our guests.
That's the kind of people I work for. Greedy people who only care about making a profit over doing something decent for someone in need. Everytime I collected crumpled dollars from someone who lost everything, I felt sick inside. Maybe I am on another one of my I hate working here rants but none of it felt right to me.

30 Weeks Pregnant and Everything Else

I can't believe I'm so close to having my baby boy. This pregnancy hasn't been so bad this far. I had all the morning sickness at first of course but by the second trimester, that was all over. Now I'm in the third trimester and of course I'm getting bigger. I mean real big. I don't remember being this big with Gwen at 30 weeks. Maybe Presley Garon will be completely different from his tiny sister. And things aren't going to get better because it's only going to get hotter. Clothes fit anymore, I'll get heavier, more back aches, the whole nine yards. His offical due date is August 23rd, so I've got the summer to go. But I'll start to take bets on when he's coming. I've started my doctor visits every two weeks now. I'm sure that will make the last 10 weeks go by quicker. My last appointment with my sugar test went pretty good. Strong heart beat and the sugar test must have came out good because I haven't heard from them. Thankfully, I was worried there for a minute.
I'm finally able to say I'm almost done rearranging our room to make space for him and all his things. I just have to do some final moving of things (I mean my brother does) and there'll be enough room for his crib. If Gwen and I weren't such girls and have 50 pairs of shoes, there would be more extra space. But I'm mommy, I'll compromise to make room.
I'm glad his dad and I are working through everything. Despite everything that has happened and all the crazy crap, I still love the man. Not only because he gave me my son but because at one time things were good between us. It all fell together so easily and it all seemed to be pear-shaped. We do have a real messed up history but that's how it is now.
We've come to the realization that not everyone is going to be for us. Especially when there's one person who has constantly said this baby isn't his for the fact that I'm the 'whore' who slept with her man. Even though my baby is none of her concern. I've offered him a DNA test from day one because of the fact that we got pregnant so fast. If it was the other guy's baby, I would have a new baby right now and not still have 10 weeks to go. Darryell and I got pregnant the week of Thanksgiving. I know it's his baby and he knows it's his baby and that's all that matters. Heck, my boss knows he's the daddy and our relationship was a big no-no here at work. Yet I still have my job despite people trying to get me fired. We talk about this issue a lot and the only person we decided matters enough to know for sure is his mother. We'll do it for the grandmomma but everyone else can shove it. I'm not hiding anything and I know who my baby's daddy is. As much of a whore people may thing I am, I would never put myself in a situation where I didn't know who my child's father is. I just don't want Presley to lose out on his family on his daddy's side over something so simple. They're his family too.
I think Gwen is growing bored with the whole pregnancy thing. She's just tired of waiting for her baby brother to get here. She knows his stuff is everywhere and that mommy's getting bigger and she's seen the sonogram photos but she'd rather have the real thing. I bought her this fancy little thing that would allow her to hear his heart beat and his movements and she lost interest in that but she does still get excited when we talk about him. Now that school is out, she'll be so busy doing her 'Gwennie' things, that time will start to fly by. She's getting her picture taken next week and I'm hoping she lays off the stunts for a couple days and doesn't do any face dives off anything. The 17th is new movie day and 'The Sword in the Stone' and 'The Jungle Book 2' comes out. That's super exciting. We love movies around my house.
I guess that's about it for now. There's always so much going on. I can hardly keep track of it all.

My Baby Daddy

Presley's dad and I have only known each other nearly a year now but for the past 7 months things have been really crazy, heart-breaking and just plain stressful. We got pregnant after seeing each other for only 6 weeks and 2 weeks after that he was sent home to Louisiana. When we got together I was the other woman. Even though he says it wasn't like they were married. He didn't seem happy and we talked a lot about everything and things just sort of went that way. I was seeing another guy on his crew before him and he would always try to get me to see how crappy the other guy was. (The other guy turned out to really be married.) But things with baby daddy just sort of fell into place.
Now 7 months after everything went down, he's still not man enough to put the first woman out despite the fact he doesn't want her anymore. And she's perfectly content living in his house for free, not working while he pays for everything. I think it pathetic that an old woman isn't trying to work to make her own way in life. Of course, who would when you've got it so easy. But what kills me the most is that he's allowing himself to be used and walked all over like that. Even when I hated him, I would want better for him. This situation has nothing to do with the baby and supporting him. I am a grown ass woman who does know how to work to take care of her own. I get nothing from Gwen's dad and she has everything she wants and needs and with or without baby daddy, this baby will be taken care of just fine.
But now he and I are getting along better than we have in the past 6 months and I think it's time he starts to show more respect for himself and not be taken advantage of anymore. After all, this person says this baby isn't Darryell's unless it's in a sentence where I'm the whore, then of course Presley is his son. So my baby boy would never be welcome in his own father's home. (If you can call it a 'home' anymore.) I would hope he wouldn't further risk a relationship with his son to keep someone else happy. His kid's needs should come before anything else. He even said himself that if they stay together, he knows my son wouldn't be treated fairly because I'm his mother. What's that tell you? Put my baby through that, no way. He just thinks he can save everyone and yes, I'll say it, he is being a sucker but it's time to man up and do what has to be done. Let her make a career out of the next sucker.
I know it's a crazy ass situation but how can I be mad about what went down after I walked out. But in the end he's Presley's dad and that won't change no matter what stupid things he does. He needs to show respect for himself completely before he can totally respect me and be serious about us and a relationship with his new baby.

First Week of July Randomness

I'm so glad I took Tuesday off last week as well as my usual Wednesday and Thursday. I got so much done at home to make room for the baby. There for a while I was feeling so far behind and that I'd never have room for his crib and everything would be so unorganized. But thankfully things are falling into place as far has room goes. Even though there's very little still for all three of us.
I am glad that there's not too many more days left that I'll have to work. As he gets bigger, I feel him like he's putting all the pressure at the bottom of my stomach. It hurts like heck sometimes but the doctor said it's good because he's doing what he's supposed to be doing. I don't remember it being like this with Gwen. Maybe because I was younger or because she was smaller. Who knows. But I do know I'm getting heavier now.....
I took Gwen to see Wall-E last Sunday. It was her first time at the movies and I was worried how she'd be not being able to move around during the movie. She's a very active child and I figured she wouldn't last. But surprisingly she did. I could tell toward the end she was getting a little restless but did a really good job and she really liked the movie. Now she wants to go see Kung Fu Panda. Her Fourth of July was pretty good. Her Uncle Bubby and I bought her a ton of fireworks that she was super excited about setting off. I unfortunately had to be at work at 11PM but did get to see them. I did take her to buy Guitar Hero for her DS but by the time we got to Wal-Mart, she completely changed her mind and got another Mario game. And I was so looking forward to playing some Guitar Hero. Oh well, maybe next time.....

Gwen's First Day of Summer Break

Day one of Gwen's summer break the weather was pretty good. She slept in most of the morning. Thank goodness, momma was tired. But by the time we got up the sun was shinning and was already pretty warm. And Gwen being how she is, decided to get in the pool. So she puts on her little bathing suit and go swimming and spent most of the afternoon in the pool. Just a good ole Gwennie time.
Gwen is the type of gal that can sun bathe all day and even burn. I swear, this child will get bright red without all the pain and peeling crap her momma gets and then a few days left she has the beginning of the most perfect tan you'll ever see. I don't get it. So now, after her afternoon in the pool, she's got the starts of a good tan. I'm so jealous.
So Gwen's first day of summer was spent working on her perfect tan. But of course we're looking forward to a great summer vacation.

Momma to a Kindergarten Grad

Thrusday was Gwen's last day of school and her kindergarten 'graduation'. It was the best feeling to see my baby girl up there with all the friends she made during the year, singing the songs they had practiced so hard on. Then her running up to my mom and me after it was done. I can't believe how fast this school year went. I remember dropping her off on her first day and she didn't even turn around to tell me good-bye and now she's moving on to the first grade.
People are so right when they say kids grow up so fast. I still remember her rolling over for the first time or cutting her first tooth like it was yesterday and now the school years are starting to go by. I'm just so proud of my baby girl.

Preparing For Baby

It doesn't seem that far away now that he'll actually be here. Now that Miss Gwen is two days away from summer vacation, I know time will go by so fast. We're starting to get his things put together and in place. He has tons of clothes. I've quickly learned that shopping for a baby boy is super fun. And thanks to baby daddy, he has most of the bigger things he'll need taken care of and all of his bedding with extra matching blankets and sheets and quite a few diapers to get us started. I guess with time counting down baby daddy is realizing how real it is now. Not that he didn't before, it just seemed like our issues clouded it. All seems well now and he's taking care of more things for Presley like a daddy should. All he needs now is a crib and the rest is just random everyday things a baby needs. Gwen is getting more and more excited about his arrival. She askes like every other day when I'm going to go get him out. I'm so excited that in 3 more months he'll be here.

Our Summer Plans

I decided that I'm taking my week vacation from this place as soon as I can. That's anytime after July 17th and I'm wasting no time at all and taking it the week of the 20th. That way I can take little Miss Gwen on a road trip before I get even bigger or the baby comes. Sort of like her last 'Whoo Hoo' before she has to start sharing mommy's attention.
Usually everyone is on different schedules so there's never a good time for everyone to go on a family trip together like we did back when times seemed simpler. But now my dad has long since retired, mom my is taking her vacation the same week as me and my little brother had to be bribed with at least one night of dinner at Hooters. So far everything seems to be planned out.
I've decided on a trip to Saint Louis. I'm taking advantage of my employee discount at other Best Westerns and want to stay a few nights. I'm going to take her to the zoo of course and a couple of places I went to on a 5th grade trip to St. Louis. One place is Grant's Farm. I remember going there but I can't recall any details of that place. I know there's animals and she'll love that. The other place is The Magic House Children's Museum. Again it was a long time ago but I do remember that place being pretty cool. We haven't been anywhere fun (my dad's bowling trips don't count) in a long time and she's super excited about going.
Next summer I'll probably take her and Presley to the Indianapolis Zoo and Children's Museum. I figure I'll start him out on a small car trip and work our way up. (His dad lives 12 hours from here and on the off chance he may want to see him, I want to know how he'd take a trip) One summer I want to take them to Memphis. Hit the zoo up of course. Gwen's an animal person and let's face it, zoo are cool. I think so at least. Then you know I'm so going to tour the Graceland Mansion. I freakin' love Elvis and thanks to Disney's Lilo & Stitch, Gwen has turned into a little Elvis fan herself. And since I got the idea for Presley's name from The King himself, it would be a great place for him to see.
That's my long term plan for a family vacation. Not too big but still something fun to do. One day I know I'll be the mother of a teenage girl who very well may think it's 'uncool' to go on family trips with her mom. But I'm enjoying that fact that she's a momma's girl who gets as excited about these things as I do.
That reminds me, if anyone reads this I have some Six Flags St. Louis tickets I got from work. I guess you could call it a 'perk' of a job that emotionally drains me. They're 'kid's price for everyone' tickets. I guess the kid's price it $29.99. I wouldn't know but being pregnant I don't think a theme park would be much fun for me this year. If anyone's going that way this year, let me know. I have like 10 of them.
I'm so looking forward to a fun summer this year and topping it all off with my new baby boy.

Being A Single Working Mom

I know one of the best things I can do for my growing family is being able to work and support them on my own but why does it have to be so depressing at times? Or maybe it's just this job and how it seems to have completely drained me emotionally.
I work the front desk at the (crappy) Best Western. Which is pretty much all I've done since I was 18 years old at another hotel but with the hours they have me working, I seem to have little to no time with Gwen. Not being able to spend time with her everyday kills me inside.
On Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays I work 3PM to 11PM. Which Mondays and Tuesdays I get her up for school and ship her off for the day and pick her up afterschool and I only get to see her on the 15 minute drive down here to work. And by the time I get home, she's sleeping of course. On Sundays, it's even worse. I get off work at 7AM, go home, sleep a few hours and get up to come back to work at 3PM. So I only get to see her while I'm getting ready to come back to work. When I get home Sunday nights, I just lay in bed beside her, watching her and talk to her sleeping body. Hoping that maybe she'll wake up for 10 minutes or at least long enough to tell me she loves me.
I don't know how her day was. What she did, if she got her bath and brushed her teeth and I don't get to tuck her in. I have no clue if she's picked out a certain outfit she wants to wear to school. Little things like that, I miss out on working these hours. My days off with her are great of course. I try to spend as much time with her doing all the "Gwennie" things that make her happy. But there never seems to be enough time to do the things we want to plus get the things done that need to be done.
When I work my 11PM to 7AM shifts on Fridays and Saturdays, I'm not there at night when she gets scared or has a bad dream or if she just wakes up wanting her mommy. Then after I get off work at 7AM, it either goes one of two ways. The first way is I sleep most of the day and wake up feeling guilty because I could have gotten up sooner and spend some extra time with her or the second way, I do get up earlier to be with her and I end up going back to work with very little sleep and have a hard time staying awake. When I come home and find pictures she's drawn of me walking away from her and she's sitting there crying by herself, breaks me heart to no end.
Now I'm worried as hell that if I stay on this same schedule after Presley is born, he'll grow up thinking his Grandma is his mom because she'll be the one there when he needs someone the most. While I sit here at a job that to me, isn't worth missing out on my kids lives. It's not like it's a great job but I need it.
I come to work and I'm hateful and bitter because I'm here when my kid needs and wants me. To make matters worse, since I've been here I've missed every single holiday with Gwen. Thanksgiving I did get off because the other night audit lady wanted to trade so she could be able to cook for her family or else I would have been working. But Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and Easter were all cut short because I managed to get screwed at every holiday. And with Mother's Day this weekend, I'll only get to see her while I'm getting ready to come back to work. The first Mother's Day I won't be able to spend with her in 6 years.
I know most people don't like their jobs and I'm probably just being a cry-baby, emotional pregnant lady but this place is the only thing that brings me down. I know I have to work to support my kids but at what price am I doing if for.

My Son

I feel so much different now that I know I'm carrying a little boy. Up until April 22nd he was just 'the baby'. Now I can say words like son, boy, him and he. I'll be talking to someone about him and I'll say my son and I just stop and have one of those 'wow' moments. My son, wow!
As you know Gwen wanted a girl more than anything and I wanted a girl for her. I would have been just as happy with another daughter and I am with a son but after I found out I was having a boy, I realized how much I wanted a boy. Now I have a perfect set and little girl and a boy. Gwen has came around a lot quicker than I would have thought she would. Things are looking good in this area.
I'm in the process of making room for him. I'm down-sizing everything in my room and getting rid of a lot of stuff I don't even use anymore. I'm slowly getting there but it seems like my two days off a week go by so fast and working second and third shifts leave less time on those days. I'm positive that there with be plenty of room for him when he finally gets here.
I'm really getting into buying blue. For 6 years its been pink and princesses, dresses and ruffles. Now I get to branch out to a whole new section of the stores. Trucks and trains, bugs and frogs, all the boys things Gwen, of course wants nothing to do with. She did go through a Spiderman phase but that was short lived. Everyone with little boys keeps telling me boys are so much fun and I sure am super excited to have him here and find out. I have no doubt that he's going to be a blast.
I'm 98% positive on his name now. I had two picked out that I was going back and forth between. One was Peyton Riley and the other was Presley Garon. After much thought and saying and writing them out hundreds of times, I've decided that Presley Garon sounds perfect for my little boy. Presley was my favorite of the two first names I picked out and after the 50th time I would be asked if I was a Colts fan or a Manning fan for picking Peyton, I decided against Peyton. But I still think it's cute. I'm completely happy with his name. Presley Garon Fields. (I was always sure he'd have my last name) My son Presley.
I love the feeling I have inside knowing I'm going to be a mommy again. I say I'd be nothing if I didn't have Gwen. Which is so true. When I was in a really bad spot in my life a few years back, her love for me kept me going and I pulled myself out. To me, that little girl saved my life. Being a mom is the most important thing in life to me. I couldn't see life without Gwen and now I can't see life without her and this baby. Nothing in this world makes me happier. I would rather stay home with Gwen over going out all the time or sitting around being a cry-baby becasue there's not a man in my life. (the donor don't count) Men come and go but my kids will always be there. I love them more than anything. I'm sure you all feel the same way about your kids too.
Well, I needed to get out some of the wonderful emotions that are going on in me lately. Whew, what a mouth full. But you know me, I love to talk.

The Donor

I can't understand how a man can father something so wonderful then just go on about his life like it's not even happening. Sure we've had our issues that I needed to step away from the situation to clear my head and deal with it on my own terms. Not just by listening to someone every other day telling me to get over it. I had to deal with it in my own way and I did that. He on the other hand seems to have taken that time period to just ignore the fact that there's a baby involved. When we talked he would often say, 'the baby has nothing to do with it.' Maybe I'm crazy but shouldn't that baby have everything to do with it? After what he did to me, the baby is the only reason he still exists to me. I try to be civil and he still would rather play some 'cyber stud'. Which is lame in itself. I think he just acts like he care to impress all his internet buddies and I look like the bad one. He's the one who lied and cheated but he is the baby's dad and that is why I'm at least trying to have a civil friendship. Because to ME the baby has everything to do with the decisions I make. On the other hand, he would rather just pretend to be someone he's not to impress a bunch of random internet people he barely knows.
Whatever, I'm super excited about having a son and he's not going to change that by being an ass. He's not going to use my son's life to make himself seem like father of the year and tell people he wishes he could do more. Right now a packet of salt would being doing more. He's no super dad. IF he was, he'd try harder to be involved instead of worrying about his next internet fling.
This is just me getting things off my chest. I'll write another one just about the baby. I don't want his crap messing with all the wonderful things I have to say about my son and all the emotions going on with me.

Gwendolyn Olivia

Isn't it just amazing how kids can learn to deal with something so fast. I told Gwen she was having a baby brother after school on Tuesday and she of course didn't take the news very well. She had her heart set on a baby sister and didn't even want to listen to anything I had to say. Well, I worked my 3 to 11 shift and by the time I got home, she was of course asleep. I got her up for school on Wednesday and she said nothing about it but after school that day we were killing time at the dollar store waiting for her dentist appointment and she picked out a couple outfits for the baby. So within 24 hours she had completely gotten used to the fact that she was getting a brother. Now she even says my baby brother. So I'm so relieve that she's happy with it now. I think it was just the shock of hearing the news. Or maybe just being cranky afterschool but either way, she's cool with it now. Thankfully.

It's A Boy

I found out today that I'm having a baby boy! I've been counting down to this appointment ever since my last one. The wait to be called back seemed to take forever and once I was in the sonagram room, I swear I starred at the second hand just ticking away on the clock. Then after what seems like another whole forever, Dr. Sakbun finally got there.
While he was measuring the baby's head, abdomen, spine and heart rate, the sonagram machine's thing ran out of printer paper. Oh man, just when he was getting to the baby's sex, another delay. Just my luck. But after he refilled its paper, I finally got to see that my baby was a boy! Dr Sakbun said he's 1 pound 5 ounces and looks to possibly be an 8 pound baby and his heart rate was 143 BPM. So he's doing great. The baby yawned during the sonagram, so he must have been tired of waiting too.
Now all I have to do is get Gwen to see that a baby brother isn't the end of the world. (She was set on a girl.) I'm sure she'll come around once the time gets closer. Hopefully. I'll keep y'all posted.

A Cheating Man

I will never understand why a guy who lies and cheats on someone would turn around and wonder why that person feels differently about them. Then try to turn it around on me by saying I pretty much lied because I said I'd always love him. Well I think when you don't respect someone enough to be truthful about big things like cheating, you deserve to be without that person.
Call me crazy but I found that I couldn't in any way be happy with a person who thought so little of me that lying was so easy for him. I tried to stick around after I found out what he did but I found myself feeling like a piece of crap because this guy treated me awful and I'm supposed to be okay with that and just move on. If I'm not happy, how am I supposed to make my daughter happy and why bring this baby into a broke relationship. I deserve to be happy too and I am so much happier now that I've washed my hands of the whole situation. He doesn't even call to check on the pregnancy but that's his loss.
I guess he'd rather have me be with him and be completely miserable over me just being happy. He apparently doesn't see that's what he'd do to me. Am I being shelfish for wanted to be happy and staying out of a relationship that would do the complete opposite for me? But if I go back to the man who disrespected me and everything he every said we were together, I would absolutely hate me inside for degrading myself enough to be with someone who did me like that.
Either way, I'm happier now and feel much better about myself for standing up for myself since he never would.

12 Weeks

I have finally finished my first trimester. And I'm starting to feel really good again. No more morning sickness, my boobs aren't sore anymore, I'm not sleeping all the time anymore. The only time I feel down is when I have to come to work. Blah!! I feel good enough to go shopping again with Gwen. It's been a while since we've done that.
With the first 12 weeks down, I'm looking forward to having my baby. But I still have 6 more months to go but I'm sure it'll go by fast. Before I know it, I'll have to start getting all the baby's things and of course Gwen and I will have a great time shopping for the new baby. It's been 6 years since I've shopped for a brand new baby. And Gwen is looking forward to it as much as I am.

Are Men Jerks?

I've come to realize that not all men are jerks. There's just some out there that work a little harder to make us think they all are. It's like I think I know how someone is and then they do a complete turn around and they are nowhere near what or how I thought they were. They can do the worst possible thing to you and then just expect you to just get over it like it never happened at all. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth all the crap they put you through. Not every man in general, just one certain person but things will be good with me soon enough. I'm just tired of all the crap. I guess this is my own personal way of 'getting over it'.